What's in a name?

   
 

   My full name is Laura Lee Conoly. Laura Lee was the name of my mother's mother, which is who I am named after.  The true meaning of "Laura" in American, English, Sweedish, and Spanish culture is "crowned with laurels." Traditionally, laurel wreaths represented honor and victory, this is especially prominent in Greek culture because the god Apollo wore a laurel wreath and victors of competitions were awarded laurel wreaths. Growing up I always took acting classes and my mom always would tease me I was never allowed to change my name if I became a big movie star because that name represented my grandmother. Naming me after her was very important to my mom; she had lost her mother when she was only five years old and remembered her as someone who was strong, elegant, and of never let life get the best of her. She would show me pictures and tell me stories and I was always proud to wear her name because, in my mind, it reminded me I had a piece of that in me all the time. As far as laurels, I never paid that meaning much attention, but when I shared this with my dad he told me it was fitting, because as he always reminded me: Conoly's never quit.

   Outside of my name, I have often felt like I had a split identity. The first being the side of myself which is fiercely passionate, loud, and unrelenting and the other side being someone who tries very hard to not stand too far out or be too noticeable. My mother especially is an extremely passionate person who will not be quieted when she has something to say, and as a result, I was that way throughout my childhood. This was compounded by me finding theatre at an early age and learning how to stand on a stage proudly and loudly. It was not until I got to middle school that I realized that people might think that was strange or "not lady-like." I can remember very specifically in cotillion being corrected every single lesson because I would always pick up my own drink before my male escort ever got the chance. Kids at school often told me I was bossy and overly-emotional. The moment I let those words get to me I discovered the other part of myself, the one who desperately wanted to blend in. I'm sure my friends must have thought I had two completely different personalities at times because I would go from randomly asking people for their names and to come sit with us as an upbeat, unbelievably energetic person to not answering when teachers asked for my opinions in front of the class.

   So, at home, I can exist both as opinionated and somewhat introverted, but in public, I tend to juggle the anxieties depending on who I am with. Though I have spent a lot of time fighting against my own insecurities, I still feel like with some people I am expected to be on and energetic and with others, I am expected to sit quietly and be judged if I disagree. Once I was discussing this feeling with my dad, I explained to him that I often felt like I was playing a part of someone much milder than myself. I felt like many of the boys in my classes were rewarded with every opinion they shared, but when myself or other girls shared we often felt judged, like we had broken character.