Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from IB Language and Literature Year 2

The people and memories that make up my stories 

       

     (Prepare for some very cliche very gushy blogging...and for the rest of the year) "It was the best of times it was the worst of times" (Dickens). Though this is as unoriginal as it gets, this is very accurate as to my feelings about this class and this year. Though there were many challenges, such as remembering to do my blog every other Sunday, it gave way to something really rewarding. As they say "nothing good comes easy" (another cliche). When I think back on the positives of this year, I think of them like gifts. This class gave me the gift of really learning what it meant to love to read. Though I did not love every book, each one gave me a gift of its own, even if it was just learning a new literary term to carry with me to English 101. 

     I was also unsure of what was next in my life. I was applying to colleges like a madwoman and complaining and freaking out in every outlet imaginable. Oddly enough, the moment in this class I think will last me the longest had nothing to do with literature, but an off-handed, unplanned comment on a day with about 10 students in the room. I had gotten rejected from my reach school the day before and new decisions were coming out that day. I was angry and upset, I had told myself I deserved the day to feel however I wanted. That day Mrs. Genesky reminded all of us that at the end of the day all of these things that feel so big right now will not decide if we are happy next year or at any point in the future. A little reminder that everything is what you make of it and that when you mull over something for too long, it's bound to take on a life of its own. Since this class started I could easily say that of all the teachers I had this year, I had the most respect for Mrs. G, but for her to tell us her experiences about college, which was all I could think about, openly really made the difference for me that day. Reminders that everything is going to be ok made it the best of times. 

     I was also a realistic, some might even say a pessimist. Which is why my two favorite books in this class, and probably of all time, are really interesting. Never Let Me Go was a game changer in my relationship with books. It was about me and completely not about me at the same time. Some may say it was depressing, and even I was a little depressed by the end, the book wasn't about the end. From my humble perspective (a word that I hope to use a little less after IB ends), it was about everything in between and growing up. At times, growing up had felt like the worst of times. My other favorite from this year was The Great Gatsby, which is probably the most contrasting to NLMG of the books from this year. I can truly and honestly say this book made me excited to geek out about literature everyday in class, to the point where I was even geeking out about it with Mr. Oliver in TOK. Sure, Gatsby got played, but I like to think he never regretted his choices to dream big. A good reminder that at 18 you're allowed to dream big. Which for me, just so happens to be studying English Literature in college. Gatsby, along with friends who are bound for greatness, reminded me to reach for even better times.
     This class pushed me and challenged me and made me laugh and exhausted me, but it made me a little better than when I started. I am so appreciative to my friends, classmates, and Mrs. Genesky for every memory, even if I don't remember it a year from now, those moments got me through the day. To leave in true IB English fashion, I will exit my blog with a quote. Fitzgerald says, "And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” 

 And my other favorite quote from this year :)

Witty Whitman

     Though I have come to really enjoy reading Whitman's poetry, I think I may have enjoyed the notebook more because it humanizes him and shows you were it all started. When just glossing over the pages I was instantly drawn to the drawings. He often alternated between headshots and full body drawing, but many of his drawings were of people. I think this is very representative of his interests in his work, which was the human experience and identity. I also found it interesting how the images often looked very similar to one another with some variation and it reminded me of the cataloging he does in his poetry. I also found it interesting how he developed themes as he went. For example, he started in one page with a broad thought about liberty and "seeing it crash," in a few more pages he writes another thought about a storm crashing, and then in the next thought he connects the two by talking about Lincoln as a ship captain. This is very revealing to how Whitman worked, as it shows he wrote freely and that the connections were not planned and came about organically.

     One thing I found cool was in the first few pages he had some title ideas for his brochure, which was never published, about his conversations with Lincoln. I think it is interesting that he was so willing to share this intimate detail of his life, which could cause those who read it to think he is crazy, and shows how open and honest he was with his writing. It is also interesting because as I reader I never really considered this great writer facing uncertainty about what to title his book, which seems too mundane for the larger-than-life presence he makes himself to be at times in his poetry. Another note I found interesting was about his friend dying in battle and Whitman going off and volunteering as a nurse. I think this reveals a lot about Whitman's feelings about the war and that killing was not the answer, but he still needed to participate and help those who were fighting. The last note I found intriguing was one about his tone shift in regards to liberty and suggesting that it outlasts every regime no matter what. This thought really exemplifies the complexities of his feelings on this issues and of people in general, which he shows when he states, "I contain multitudes" (Whitman). This also relates to his feelings about the universe and brotherhood, revealing that Whitman believed that these themes were bigger than people and would always survive in the end.

     

"Breathing dreams like air..."

**this is a warning to all my IB peeps, do your blogs on google docs and DO NOT type directly into blogger or you will end up with a beautiful blog disappearing**

     The American Dream has been one of the most constant themes of American culture since American independence. Everyone's American Dream is centered around the idea of success and a hope for a brighter future. However, it varies hugely in people of different ages, regions, races, and just general experiences. The modern artist Khalid demonstrated this in his song "American Teen" when he says, 'Cause this is our year So wake me up in the Spring While I'm high off my American dream We don't always say what we mean It's the lie of an American teen." Though this he demonstrates his feelings that the American dream is a fallacy and has created a falseness to his generation. This contrasts Gatsby's interpretation of the American Dream, which he perceives as a driving force that gives him hope. This is shown when Nick says, "it was an extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again" (Fitzgerald 2). This demonstrates Gatsby's undying faith in a better future. As for me, I like to think I fall somewhere more in the middle in my definition. I like to believe the American Dream is taking what you have and turning it into something grand and bigger than yourself, something you can be proud of. 

     Please notice my definition is not involving wealth because I do believe you can live the American Dream with any amount of money, as long as you feel you can live comfortably and in good company. However, it is naive to believe that you can be totally broke and struggling to survive and feel that you are living the American Dream. Wealth, monetary or otherwise, is going to be different for every person and more often than not, it will be having more of something than they do. The middle class suburban person may consider someone wealthy when they have a million dollar home in California, while the student working two jobs might consider someone with no debt as wealthy. 

     I believe the American attitude towards the impoverished has become more and more hateful in recent years. With the recent push to rid of government programs that extend services such as health care to those in need, more and more struggling individuals are being left in the dust. From my perspective, it seems most Americans believe the rich as the hard-working and independent ones and that those living in poverty are lazy and full of excuses. While there are people who fit those descriptions, there are also people who live immaculately without ever having and job and those who work three jobs and still need food stamps. I am a big believer in circumstance and these generalized stereotypes can be poisonous because they evoke such emotional responses across the board. My belief is based around equity rather than equality, giving everyone the same opportunities to be successful no matter the circumstance and see who is truly the most passionate, dedicated, and hard-working. This also comes into play in recognizing my own privileges, allowing me to not only have empathy and understanding, but to remind myself to take every possible opportunity to even the playing field, because in my experience it has been those who struggled the hardest and most embody my definition of the American Dream.

     

Freebie!

Freebie!

It's FLY to be absurd!

What google images says an "enormous vermin" is

Translations oftentimes can get very tricky, especially when dealing with literature littered with metaphors, imagery, and other stylistic devices are must be maintained in very language. Here are some examples from the novella Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka.

#1:Gregory Samsa woke from uneasy dreams one morning to find himself changed into a giant bug.

• "Gregory" instead of "Gregor"
• uneasy--sounds unpleasant but not scary or particularly bad
• bug--less threatening than the word insect
• comma from the original quote is missing
• find--present tense

#2:When Gregor Samsa awoke from troubled dreams one morning he found he had been transformed in his bed into an enormous bug.

• comma from original quote missing
• transformed--more dramatic, more positive connotation
• troubled dreams--again sounds unpleasant but not extremely bad
• past tense
• enormous--creates imagery of a very massive insect
• clarifies that he was in bed

#3:As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

• uneasy--same as quote #1 showing this is the most common translated adjective
• describes him waking up and finding out his condition as happening back-to-back
• gigantic--imagery is larger than "giant"
• missing comma from the original quote
• "he found himself"--makes it seem like it was just him or that he was alone

#4:One morning, upon awakening from agitated dreams, Gregor Samsa found himself, in his bed, transformed into a monstrous vermin.

• Has the most scary/disgusted diction--agitated, monstrous, vermin
• four commas compared to the original's one
• shortest syntax
• mentions he was in bed
• transformed--contrasting from the darker diction

     From all four of these quotes, the most salient difference is the different imagery that arises from reading each one. Examples of this include quote #1 not specifying the setting of the event in question and the different words used to describe the insect creating different mental images, despite none of them being very specific. Though all four quotes are left with the same overall meaning, that Greg woke up to find himself turned into some sort of bug, they all leave the reader with different tones and moods, and overall different effects. I think the word choice's biggest effect is on the imagery because it creates the tone and because this is the very first line of the book, you assume the look of the characters and setting will match that tone. For example the "monstrous vermin" word choice creates an image of something ungodly and not necessarily an insect, where as "giant bug" creates a less strong tone and the image of, for me, a life size beetle bug (gross). Quote #4 has the shorted syntax which quickens the pace and adds anticipation because it leads the reader in chunks to the actual subject and surprising element. The syntax is shortened by the use of an abnormal amount of commas, while using no commas and longer syntax makes the bug revelation seem less abnormal and surprising, as compared to quote #4.

     I have never read the full text of Metamorphosis so it is difficult for me to say which one is more effective in setting up the rest of the text or setting the tone that is most accurate to the rest of the text and plot. However, I can access which one if the most effective in creating a clear image and hooking the reader. I would argue translation #4 gives the most vivid imagery and tone that would both hook the reader and allow them to know what to expect for the rest of the text, making it the most effective. Overall, this exercise showed the importance of acknowledging when you are reading a translated work because a lot of the original style is tied to the cultural and societal ties to certain words and structures that can get (I knew I wouldn't get through this blogpost without this cliche) lost in translation.

I've got you covered...

Cover key:
Cover 1: blonde girl, top left
Cover 2: boat, top right
Cover 3: grey organs, bottom left
Cover 4: blue dress, bottom right

For the intended purpose for cover 1, I think it is to portray the story as whimsical because the first thing it brings to mind is a secret garden and the girl looks very natural and possibly barefoot. As for cover 2, I think its purpose it to show this story as one of human experience and as very normal and realistic because it brings about a nostalgic mood with the muted colors. Cover 3's intended purpose is definitely to portray NLMG as more scary and horror because of the barbed wire and grey background. Lastly, the intended purpose of cover 4 is to show this story as more mysterious and fleeting because you cannot see the girl's face and she looks to be moving or running.

I think covers 1 and 2 are meant to be more literal and realistic because they both have a familiar and earthy background, causing the audience to see the book as a realistic work. Cover 3 is the most unique because it is significantly darker in color and tone than the rest of the covers. It also gives away more information by having the barbed wire in the shape of organs, alluding to the donations in the novel. Covers 1 and 4 are the only covers with a person on them, making NLMG seem more character oriented and allow the audience to be guided as to what Kathy, and more broadly, clones would look like.

When I see cover two the first thing it makes me think of is a Nicholas Sparks novel because it has a very nostalgic mood by portraying the abandoned boat at see, which gives an aura of bittersweet, which is usually what his covers remind me of. If I saw this on a shelf at a bookstore this would definitely be something I would pick up because it would make me think it was realistic fiction and was about life, which is what I look for in many of my book choices. In terms of images, it would make me think of the view from the pier in the background and who was standing there looking out. I think this better represents Never Let Me Go than cover 3 because it brings to mind themes of relationships and importance of setting, which I think are very prevalent in the text. However, I do think this paints the text to be much happier and light-hearted than it is. I would say this cover would be how Kathy sees the story because she is not bitter about what has happened and simply sees it as a sad reality, but is very nostalgic for the times with Tommy and Ruth, which is why she is telling the story. In both covers 2 and 3, I think they are very American in nature because they appeal to the two extremes that are most common in American literature, whereas cover 4 seems more Japanese in nature because it is less distracting and more clean, simplistic, and symbolic. I think this cover would be more appealing to more emotional readers and people who prefer stories about life and the relationships between people, good and bad, which I think is true to NLMG.

In the complete opposite direction, cover 3 reminded me of a Stephen King novel cover in that it screams fear factor and has layers (the forest behind the barbed wire) giving a mysterious mood. The image it brings to mind is the prison from the TV show the Walking Dead because that show also utilizes a lot of texture and dark color choices to create a similar mood. In my opinion, this does not represent the true mood of Never Let Me Go because though they could not leave Hailsham and it could be seen as a prison, the kids never felt imprisoned because of their ignorance. However, I feel that Tommy would have felt this accurately portrayed his and Kathy and Ruth's positions as he reached completion, especially after seeing his reaction to not being deferred and revealing that he really has felt so trapped all along. I think horror readers would go for this cover, but I would guess after reading the description on the back of the book they would wonder why the cover is so dark and evil looking.

Once upon a time...

http://eastsidenews.org/2014/12/ongoing-genocide-in-darfur/

https://www.ted.com/talks/emtithal_mahmoud_a_young_poet_tells_the_story_of_darfur#t-637703
oud

     In Emtithal Mahmoud's TED talk she used two poems to talk about her experience witnessing and fleeing the genocide in Darfur. In the first poem the sacrifices and sorrows of the war, continually coming back to the fact that her family had to be silent as they drank their breakfast tea or the war planes would know they were there. In this poem she focuses on the fact that people have continually tried to keep her from telling her stories because they are saddening, which she argues are why we need them and why she tells them through verse. In her transition she explains in her second poem she tries to have a happier tone, despite her stories having so much tragedy, because that is people people have demanded of her stories her whole life. She then tells the story of her cousin wanting her to read everything to her in every language before she died and how doing that in front of her family was her most important stage she will ever stand on. She ends the poem by explaining her cousin's illness causing an enlargement of her heart muscles and how only ironic it was that it was her big heart that would kill her.

     The three tools primarily used by Mahmoud were pathos, use of verse, and repetition. She uses pathos as to reflect her primary message about not wanting to talk about things because they are sad. Examples of her use of pathos are when she talks about the graves of her people sticking in her throat and how she now only wore shoes she knows she can run in despite having escaped the war, both of which evoke a sympathy in the audience. Though this is her intention, she does this not to get pity from the audience but to show them that happiness and sadness are intertwined and though we want to avoid sad stories, they are the most important ones to hear. The speaker also uses verse to create pacing, which allows her to create moments of intensity and solemn to demonstrate that her tragedies cannot be summed up simply. An example of this is when she is asked to comment on the number of people fleeing her country and she uses repetition of the word "fact" to build the pace and intensity to show her feelings in that moment. Repetition, like in her coming back to the story of her family at breakfast, also is used to bring her poem back to the small tragedies as well as the huge ones.

     I have always loved all forms of storytelling, whether it be books, movies, stories from old people, anything. However, my mom has always gotten on my case about reading really depressing books in schools or watching sad shows because she swears they make you sad. In her mind, if you watch happy things you will be happy, plain and simple. My answer to her is the stories that matter are the ones that make you feel something, especially the sad ones because those are the honest and unapologetic ones that make you want to do something about it. The first time we ever had this debate was after I watched the movie Hotel Rwanda, which to this day is one of my all time favorites. I told her that the movie was supposed to be sad because what happening in Rwanda was awful and the movie served as a warning to audience members as to what happens when you don't take action, even if the problem is halfway around the world from you. This came to mind during Mahmoud's talk, but I loved that she did tell tragic stories, but showed the audience that you cannot simply rip apart sad and happy because in the most grim of circumstances she found joy. From her talk, I will take away the importance of letting everyone share their story and making sure anyone willing to speak knows they have a willing listener. 
     Overall, the purpose of this talk was to show the importance of all stories, even sad ones. It is also to show that even the grimmest of stories cannot be completely isolated from happiness because in every situation both exist. From this, the speaker wants the audience to encourage all those who are willing to share their stories.

Don't HYDE from this Blog Post!

Me from my performance of Jekyll and Hyde from freshman year!

Analyze, compare and contrast the idea development and voice in the the two excerpts in 1-2 paragraphs. It might be helpful to examine: 

- appearance

- speech

- actions

- thoughts/feelings

- other character's reactions

- From chapter 2: Mr. Utterson stepped out and touched him on the shoulder…, ending with ...he had unlocked the door and disappeared into the house.
When Mr. Hyde is first approached he is shocked and described as having, "shrank back with a hissing intake of breath" (Stevenson 18).  This shows that he does not like, and is not normally, interacting with other people and seems almost afraid. He also speaks in a curt and irritated mood. However, Mr. Utterson is not initially afraid of Mr. Hyde, as shown by him maintaining eye contact and composure when he asks to see Mr. Hyde's face. By the end of the exchange Mr. Hyde is furious and blatantly calls Mr. Utterson a liar, showing his transition from fearful to enraged. He also continues to lose any composure throughout their conversation. Mr. Hyde is also described as grunting and snarling, making him seem animalistic.

- From chapter 6, starting with: Now that that evil influence..., and ending with ...and the knowledge is more than he can bear.

Before Mr. Hyde, Dr. Jekyll is described as, "once more their familiar guest and entertainer" (Stevenson 38). This shows Dr. Jekyll was social, unlike Mr. Hyde who snarled at Mr. Utterson in their short encounter. Dr. Jekyll is also viewed as righteous and charitable, which is, of course, the opposite of Mr. Hyde. However, he is later described as holed up in the house, which is similar to how Mr. Hyde is described when he meets Mr. Utterson. In terms of appearance, Mr. Jekyll has transitioned into "his flesh had visibly fallen away; he was visibly balder and older" (Stevenson 39). This is also similar to Mr. Hyde in they are both described as small and having weaker features, which emphasizes that the line between Jekyll and Hyde had grown blurry.

Step 2) Compose a poem for two voices for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde using what you uncovered in Step 1. Be sure to include a brief explanation of your purpose and intended effect for the poem as well as the poem itself.

Jekyll                                                   Hyde

I live by day
                                                              I live by night
But I am in too deep this time
                                                              But I have only just begun
My will is growing weaker
                                                              And I am growing stronger
I want to get away
                                                              He is trying to escape me
But my oversight is glaring at me
                                                              But what he does not realize is
WE ARE ONE IN THE SAME           WE ARE ONE IN THE SAME


The purpose of the this poem is to show the feelings of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as the power balance shifts in Mr. Hyde's favor. The intended impact on the audience is to show that the line between good and evil is less stark than we realize, and our ambition can overtake us. To do this, I use contrasting statements that converge at the end showing the transition from black and white good and evil to the same.

Witch-slapped: Macbeth's fall from grace

https://www.myjewishlearning.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/mystical-evil.jpg

1. Why do people who are not "evil" take the first step into evil? What, for instance, is involved in taking that first step "down the primrose path to the everlasting bonfire" (Macbeth, 2.3)? What are the consequences of the individual choosing evil (particularly the internal consequences)? Use examples from the text to support your opinion.


Under the assumption that there are people who are inherently good and evil, good people take steps to become evil when they deem the reward. In Macbeth's case the reward in question was becoming King and having power. Despite Macbeth knowing that this was a dark desire and that it was wrong, he continued down the path because he thought his actions were justified because it was fate that he become king. Macbeth debates the implications of the prophecy given to him by the witches when he said, "If good, why do I yield to that suggestion Whose horrid image doth unfix my hair And make my settled heart knock at my ribs" (Macbeth, 1.3). This shows Macbeth calling his own perceived goodness into question because he is being tempted by the witches. Furthermore, it proves that according to Macbeth your goodness is determined by your steadfastness.

However, Macbeth does not take the first steps down an evil path alone. Lady Macbeth said, "'Thus thou must do,' if thou have it, And that which rather thou dost fear to do" (Macbeth, 1.5). From this it is known that upon hearing of the prophecy Lady Macbeth was afraid Macbeth was too fearful to take the next steps to become King. This fear is proven when Macbeth said, "If chance will have me king, why, chance may crown me Without my stir" (Macbeth, 1.4). This quote showing Macbeth was not going to take the first steps towards evil, just as Lady Macbeth feared, which spurred her into pushing him to take action against Duncan. In summation, Macbeth took the first steps towards evil simply by allowing himself to be swayed, first by the witches and then by his wife.

Macbeth certainly felt the consequences of his evil actions, those consequences being his overwhelming guilt and losing sight of everything he held dear before the prophecy. The first way Macbeth shows his guilt over his own actions is after he has killed Duncan. Macbeth said, "One cried 'God bless us' and 'Amen' the other, As they had seen me with these hangman's hands, List'ning their fear. I could not say 'Amen'" (Macbeth, 2.2) This shows Macbeth imagined Duncan's sons had seen him killing their father and he now felt shut out from God, making Macbeth forever changed. Macbeth was not the only one who felt guilty about their evil actions, Lady Macbeth reveals in a fit of sleep talking that she too felt guilty over what happened to Duncan. Lady Macbeth said, "Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?" (Macbeth, 5.1). This shows a thought Lady Macbeth likely had when she planted Macbeth's murder weapons and shows her shock upon seeing all the blood.

Along with the guilt, Macbeth also loses sight of his love and respect for Lady Macbeth, which he shows in the early portions of the play. Macbeth said, "my dearest partner of greatness" (Macbeth, 1.5). From this, the audience knows Macbeth viewed Lady Macbeth as an equal when he sent her this letter. This is starkly different than in Lady Macbeth's sleep talking when she said, "The Thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now?" (Macbeth 5.1). From this we know Macbeth did not discuss his plans about Macduff's family with Lady Macbeth, showing he no longer viewed her as his equal. Moreso he has no real attachment to her by the end of the play. This is shown in Macbeth's reaction to finding out his wife is dead, Macbeth said, "She should have died hereafter. There would have been time for such a word" (Macbeth, 5.5). This shows Macbeth is not mourning his wife's loss and does not even ask how she died. From these pieces of evidence the conclusion that the consequences of Macbeth heading down an evil path is that he is overwhelmed by guilt and stops caring about his wife, who he once saw as an equal.

#IBMakingArt

Armor Garniture, Probably of King Henry VIII of England (reigned 1509–47)

 
Image source
This piece was created with steel, gold, copper alloy, and leather by Hans Holbein the Younger. It is 73 inches tall and weighs 62 pounds. It was created in 1572 in Greenwich England, and is believed to have been gifted to king Henry VIII.

This piece was to be worn as armour and is extremely intricate. It has multiple pieces and parts that would have to be put on one at a time. It also is engraved throughout the majority of the piece depicting past battles. This is known to be the most decorative of the collection. The armour is made from gold and copper alloy making it look very luxurious and be shiny and not functioning as camouflage. All of the limbs are bigger, so even if the person in the armour did not have bigger muscles, it would appear they did. The piece also includes lots of horizontal lines, which are known to make the person wearing them appear wider. However, to compensate them the main chest piece slants into what appears to be a waistline, making the wearer look thinner. The armour's head piece also is opaque except for eye and eye holes, and also has a fin like structure on top. The shoe portion comes to a flat end and has spurs on the back. The gloves have a triangular metal piece covering the first joint of the fingers.

This piece was created for use in battle and tournament and was most likely given and used by the king. This piece has many aspects which would not be useful in actual battle, such as the color, shoes, and gloves, which reflect that the king did not actively participate in many battles in many battles but the gift was more ceremonial. The purpose of the engravings was for the artist to show the King/wearer that the country had reached where it was not on the backs of many sufferings and deaths of the people and that it was their sacrifice which made them what they were. This piece is starkly different than modern military wear and signifies that was used to be considered a true art form. In today's context, this would show that leaders are not the ones on the ground floor doing the dirty work and that they need reminders of what is going on outside of the immediate government.

Freebie

(went to Beowulf)

Freebie

FREEBIE

What's in a name?

   
 

   My full name is Laura Lee Conoly. Laura Lee was the name of my mother's mother, which is who I am named after.  The true meaning of "Laura" in American, English, Sweedish, and Spanish culture is "crowned with laurels." Traditionally, laurel wreaths represented honor and victory, this is especially prominent in Greek culture because the god Apollo wore a laurel wreath and victors of competitions were awarded laurel wreaths. Growing up I always took acting classes and my mom always would tease me I was never allowed to change my name if I became a big movie star because that name represented my grandmother. Naming me after her was very important to my mom; she had lost her mother when she was only five years old and remembered her as someone who was strong, elegant, and of never let life get the best of her. She would show me pictures and tell me stories and I was always proud to wear her name because, in my mind, it reminded me I had a piece of that in me all the time. As far as laurels, I never paid that meaning much attention, but when I shared this with my dad he told me it was fitting, because as he always reminded me: Conoly's never quit.

   Outside of my name, I have often felt like I had a split identity. The first being the side of myself which is fiercely passionate, loud, and unrelenting and the other side being someone who tries very hard to not stand too far out or be too noticeable. My mother especially is an extremely passionate person who will not be quieted when she has something to say, and as a result, I was that way throughout my childhood. This was compounded by me finding theatre at an early age and learning how to stand on a stage proudly and loudly. It was not until I got to middle school that I realized that people might think that was strange or "not lady-like." I can remember very specifically in cotillion being corrected every single lesson because I would always pick up my own drink before my male escort ever got the chance. Kids at school often told me I was bossy and overly-emotional. The moment I let those words get to me I discovered the other part of myself, the one who desperately wanted to blend in. I'm sure my friends must have thought I had two completely different personalities at times because I would go from randomly asking people for their names and to come sit with us as an upbeat, unbelievably energetic person to not answering when teachers asked for my opinions in front of the class.

   So, at home, I can exist both as opinionated and somewhat introverted, but in public, I tend to juggle the anxieties depending on who I am with. Though I have spent a lot of time fighting against my own insecurities, I still feel like with some people I am expected to be on and energetic and with others, I am expected to sit quietly and be judged if I disagree. Once I was discussing this feeling with my dad, I explained to him that I often felt like I was playing a part of someone much milder than myself. I felt like many of the boys in my classes were rewarded with every opinion they shared, but when myself or other girls shared we often felt judged, like we had broken character.